


I'm Not A Soldier (But You Make Me Want To Be Brave)

by Ginivandijk



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Graphic description of a panic attack!, M/M, tw: panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 19:36:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18212684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ginivandijk/pseuds/Ginivandijk
Summary: Let's just say haunted houses aren't Dele's favorite place to be...





	I'm Not A Soldier (But You Make Me Want To Be Brave)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> I recently rewatched the video of Dele in the haunted house with Jack Whitehall and knew that I just had to write about Dele and haunted houses! So here is my attempt :') The title is from James TW's song 'Soldier'.  
> Comments and kudos are, of course, very much appreciated!!
> 
> A pretty graphic description of a panic attack is the main event in this story, so if that triggers you, please don't read this. It's not worth it to put yourself through that. Take care of yourselves!
> 
> Love <3

“What do you mean, we’re going in there? I’m not going Eric. Never!” Eric chuckled at Dele’s frantic behavior.

They were standing in front of the haunted house. It was one of the last attractions they still had to do for them to complete every single attraction in the amusement park. That was one of Eric’s compulsions whenever he went to an amusement park; to do every single available thing. He didn’t know when he developed the urge, but it left him feeling unsettled if he didn’t complete his ‘quest’.

“Dele, don’t be a child, please. C’mon, it won’t be that bad! I just want to enjoy this with you…” Eric cocked his head and put on his nicest smile, but Dele’s scowl didn’t leave his face.

“Eric, you don’t understand! I won’t enjoy it. At all!” Eric got a little frustrated. He hated it when something didn’t go his way.

He took a deep breath and shrugged his shoulders. “Fine. I’ll go alone. Just wait for me at the exit, alright?”

Eric walked towards the entrance, huffing as he left Dele standing in the middle of the street. If the boy didn’t want to come, he would just go alone. He wanted, no- he needed to complete his quest.

There was no queue, luckily, and it instantly put Eric in a better mood. He smiled at the boy that was standing at the entrance. Just as he was about to enter the darkness of the haunted house, a sweaty hand grabbed his and he whipped his body around, looking at the person that was now next to him.

Dele was looking straight ahead, not acknowledging Eric except for the strong, almost painful, grip he had on Eric’s hand. His eyes were wide and were frantically trying to search the dark hallway they were about to walk into.

Eric smiled at Dele softly and squeezed his hand while planting a kiss on his cheek.

“Thank you,” he whispered in his ear. The only response was a small nod of Dele’s head, but Eric would take it. He was just happy that Dele was with him.

He started moving forward and Dele’s grip on his hand became impossibly stronger as they entered the darkness. Eric was kind of worried about Dele at this point. Maybe they should have just skipped the haunted house. Even if it meant breaking his own rule.

As the first skeleton fell out of a closet on Dele’s side of the hallway, Eric had to stabilize himself as, all of a sudden, Dele almost _dove_ into his chest. Instinctively, he wrapped his arm around Dele and just stood there, hugging the younger man for a little while.

They were lucky that there was no one directly behind them and Eric was eternally grateful for that. But he had to get Dele out of this. He was starting to see that Dele had been serious about being afraid. Eric was getting angry at himself for coercing Dele into this and he sighed deeply.

Dele slowly retracted himself from Eric’s arms and after a reassuring kiss on Dele’s lips, Eric decided to move forward, trying to get them out of there as quickly as possible.

With every scare, he could hear Dele’s breathing get more erratic, so Eric tried to stay as calm as possible, for Dele’s sake.  He slung an arm around the boy’s shoulders and pulled him close, making sure their bodies were touching in as many places as possible.

As they, _finally_ , got to the end of the maze of dark hallways, Eric gave Dele a bear hug. One of his hands found its way to Dele’s hair and, while massaging his scalp softly, he planted a kiss on the top of his head, letting his lips linger for a few seconds.

After a little bit, Dele pulled away and, without looking at Eric, muttered something about going to the bathroom before dashing off. Eric couldn’t blame the boy for wanting some time alone, so he decided to wait outside in the sun for Dele to return.

But when, after ten minutes or so, Dele still hadn’t returned, Eric went looking for him. After a little while of searching nearby bathrooms, Eric found his boyfriend sitting outside against a wall.

He had his knees pulled up to his chest and was resting his arms on them. His head was rested on top of his arms, essentially shutting himself off from the world. Eric knew that pose. Dele only sat like that when he was having a panic attack.

Eric mentally punched himself, multiple times. He should have known. Should have turned right back around and walked out of that haunted house after Dele had grabbed his hand. Should have followed Dele to the bathroom. Should have been there for his boyfriend. Should have thought this through more carefully. Should have-

He realized that blaming himself in this moment wasn’t going to solve anything so he quickly walked up to Dele’s shaking form and sat down next to him. He knew not to touch Dele immediately, as that had made the situation worse in the past.

It had been a while since Dele’s last panic attack, but Eric could never forget what to do. Trying to figure out which things helped Dele, and which things actually made him feel worse, had been a process of trial and error. It had been a rough path in the beginning of their relationship, but they had figured it out.

Only when Dele shifted his body a little, indicating that he had noticed and accepted Eric’s presence, Eric slung an arm around him. After a little shifting around on both of their behalves, Dele was sitting in Eric’s lap, his left side resting against Eric’s chest. His head was tucked into Eric’s neck.

Dele’s breathing was even more erratic than it had been inside the haunted house. It sounded like he wasn’t taking in any oxygen at all. His shaking form was clinging to Eric, his hands gripping Eric’s t-shirt tightly and Eric could feel Dele’s tears on his neck, soaking his t-shirt. Dele was trying to keep as quiet as possible, but some of his cries were too forceful and, combined with his erratic breathing, he wasn’t able to keep all of them in. Eric’s heart clenched as he felt Dele’s sobs wrack his body. He was, once again, reminded of how young Dele actually was.

During the trial and error period of these panic attacks, Eric had learned that talking to Dele didn’t help much. But there were two sentences that would help during the major attacks.

“You’re safe, I’ve got you. I’m not letting you go.” Eric kissed the top of Dele’s head and hoped this panic attack wouldn’t last too long.

They’d tried breathing exercises time and time again, but they had never worked. Eric had a feeling that it was because Dele’s attention span was quite short to begin with. He just didn’t have the patience and the focus to make breathing exercises work.

So there was nothing else to do for Eric but just wait and whisper those same two sentences every once in a while. His right hand was rubbing small circles on Dele’s back, trying to give him something to ground himself. With his left hand, he grabbed Dele’s right hand, and slowly brought it up towards his heart. He pressed it against his own chest, knowing that Dele would be able to feel his steady heartbeat as soon as he calmed down just a little. It was painful for Eric to have to watch his boyfriend like this.

Slowly but surely, Dele’s breathing began to even out a little bit. He was still wheezing heavily, but the oxygen started making its way to his lungs again, albeit only a little bit. Eric could feel it in the way Dele’s body got less rigid. He slowly started sagging against Eric, which was a good sign.

Eric brought his right hand up to Dele’s head and stroked it slowly, tangling his fingers in Dele’s hair every so often. Finally, after what felt like hours to Eric, Dele lifted his head from Eric’s shoulder and pulled back just enough to look Eric in the eye.

Eric’s heart skipped a beat at the sight in front of him. It had been a long time since he had seen Dele like this. His eyes were puffy, his face blotchy and his bottom lip was still quivering every once in a while. He look exhausted, which was to be expected after a panic attack, but it still hit Eric like a truck. He had been responsible for making Dele feel like this.

He knew exactly what Dele needed to hear in that moment and he tried to deliver the words as calmly as possible, though he knew Dele could see the sheen of tears in Eric’s own eyes.

“You’re safe now, Delboy. I’ve got you and I’m not letting you go. Promise.”

Dele sagged back against Eric and Eric wanted to say a million things to his boyfriend, but decided to wait until the younger man was ready to talk.

“I’m sorry,” Dele muttered after a few more minutes. It was spoken so softly that Eric had to strain to be able to hear it. But when Dele’s words registered he tenderly, but resolutely, grabbed Dele’s shoulders and pulled away a little so he could look into his eyes.

“Don’t you dare say that. You do not get to be sorry because you don’t _have_ to be sorry. Never be sorry for something like this.” Dele cast his eyes downwards, but Eric was determined to make his boyfriend see that he was not the one at fault.

Eric squeezed Dele’s shoulder, urging Dele to look back up at Eric. When he did, Eric took a deep breath and got ready to say an apology.

“Dele, listen. I’m the one that should be sorry. And I am-” Dele tried to say something, but Eric shook his head. He needed to get this out.

“But I’m not just _sorry_ , Delboy, I’m also ashamed. Because I forced you into something that clearly made you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have been so selfish and should just have accepted that you didn’t want to go. None of this would have happened. So I’m sorry.” His voice broke on the last few words and it took all Eric’s strength to not break down right there.

He looked out into the distance, trying to get his emotions under control, but Dele shifted and suddenly Eric felt lips being pressed against his own. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on kissing back, but he was feeling too many emotions. A few tears escaped Eric’s eyes and he cursed internally for not being able to control his own body.

Dele must have felt the tears on his cheeks, because he immediately pulled back and wiped them away with his thumbs, before planting a chaste, soft kiss on Eric’s lips.

“Don’t be sorry, please,” he whispered and placed his forehead against Eric’s softly. “I chose to walk into that haunted house with you. You gave me the option to wait outside and I didn’t. So, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

Eric sighed. They would definitely have a discussion about this later, but Dele’s voice sounded so tired and broken that he didn’t have it in him to correct the boy right now.

“But I’m not doing that ever again,” Dele added quickly. He ducked his head into Eric’s neck and laughed softly. It sounded broken, but Eric would take a laugh like that over anything else right now.

He squeezed one of Dele’s hands and wriggled out from underneath him, before standing up. Eric stuck his hand out to Dele and the younger boy gladly took it. He crashed into Eric’s chest as he stood up, his legs still a little unsteady.

“Easy there, tiger.” Eric whispered into his ear and both of them laughed.

The hug they shared next could have lasted anywhere between five seconds and half an hour, Eric couldn’t tell. Both of them sunk deeply in thought, but taking comfort in each other’s presence at the same time.

Dele was the first to pull back and Eric reluctantly let go, though he grabbed hold of Dele’s left hand. He just wasn’t able to stop himself from feeling the need to be connected to the other boy in _some_ way to make sure he was okay. He brought the hand up towards his mouth, kissing Dele’s knuckles before giving his hand a little squeeze.

“Thank you for being there, Eric.” Two brown eyes were staring at him, a sheen of tears still present, and Eric sighed.

He hated seeing Dele go through these panic attacks, but he wouldn’t change their relationship for the world. As they started walking back towards the car, Eric vowed to himself to never be the cause of any of Dele’s panic attacks ever again.

“Always, Delboy. Always.”


End file.
